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Funny Dad Jokes

 

  • How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
  • I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
  • What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back? A stick.
  • What did the full glass say to the empty glass? You look drunk.
  • Justice is a dish best served cold. Otherwise, it's just water.
  • What do call a criminal landing an airplane? Condescending.
  • Why should you never throw grandpa's false teeth at a vehicle? You might denture car.
  • Why are Christmas trees bad at knitting? They always drop their needles.
  • What did the lunch box say to the refrigerator? Don't hate me because I'm a little cooler.
  • Did you hear about the fragile myth? It was busted.
  • I can always tell when someone is lying. I can tell when they're standing too.
  • Why did the egg hide? It was a little chicken.
  • What did the dirt say to the rain? If you keep this up, my name will be mud!
  • Why couldn't the sunflower ride its bike? It lost its petals.
  • What's the coolest element in the periodic table? Ber-yllium
  • I used to be afraid of speed bumps. I'm trying to get over it.
  • If your house is cold, just stand in the corner. It’s always 90 degrees there.
  • I don't recommend entering a wormhole. You might get stuck in the apple.
  • The owner of the tuxedo store kept hovering over me when i was browsing, so I asked him to leave me alone. He said, “Fine, suit yourself.”
  • Why did the egg have a day off? Because it was Fryday.
  • Have you ever heard about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.
  • Why did the coffee taste like dirt? Because it was ground just a few minutes ago.
  • Why do quarterbacks tell obvious jokes? So they don't go over their receivers' heads.
  • What is the best present? Broken drums! You can't beat them.
  • Why do people who live in Greece hate waking up at dawn? Because Dawn is tough on Greece.
  • What month is the shortest of the year? May, it only has three letters.
  • Why do we tell actors to "break a leg?" Because every play has a cast.
  • What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum? A meltdown.
  • My uncle named his dogs Timex and Rolex. They're his watch dogs.
  • Did you hear about the guy whose left side was cut off? He's all right now.
  • What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.
  • I'm so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed!
  • What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller.
  • If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.
  • What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.
  • How can you tell it’s a dogwood tree? By the bark.
  • What did the buffalo say when his kid went to college? Bison.
  • What's the stinkiest planet? Poopiter.
  • What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye matey.
  • Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.
  • What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers.
  • What's the best smelling insect? A deodor-ant.
  • Why was the coach yelling at the vending machine? He wanted his quarter back.

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