Free 10000 Jokes

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle? A: Shine a flashlight in their ear. Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common? A: They're both empty from the neck up. Q: How do you get a blond out of a tree? A: Wave Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common? A: They both have black roots. Q: What does a blonde owl say? A: What, what? Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down? A: Two brunettes. Q: What's the Blonde's cheer? A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..." Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? A: To see what was on the other side. Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back? A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK". Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat? A: In case she locks the keys in her car. Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?...

Q. What do you call a zit on a dumb blonde's ass? A. A brain tumor. Q. What do you get when you turn 3 dum blondes upside-down? A. Two brunettes. Q. What's the Blonde's cheer? A. " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..." Q. Why did the dumb blonde scale the chain-link fence? A. To see what was on the other side. Q. Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute? A. Because she gave blow-jobs literally. Q. Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle? A. She realized she gave her last blowjob. Q. Why do blondes give such good blowjobs? A. Because that's what they train for all their lives. Q. Why did the dumb blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach? A. So her male would get delivered to the right box. Q. Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back? A. From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK". Q. Why did the blonde keep ...

JokesPolitical JokesRedneck JokesReligious JokesTop Ten ListsYo Momma JokesWomen JokesMen JokesCelebrity JokesSports Jokes BLIND JOKES A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around." A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciou...

JokesPolitical JokesRedneck JokesReligious JokesTop Ten ListsYo Momma JokesWomen JokesMen JokesCelebrity JokesSports Jokes BLIND JOKES A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around." A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciou...

Gassy Granny Previous Next An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!" The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week." The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens." The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing." Baseball in Heaven Previous Next Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball. Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?" Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you...

Geek Booty Call... Bones Previous Next My nickname is Bones... and not because I'm a doctor. Geek Booty Call... Bra Previous Next Your bra size looks like it's the same as my favorite computer language, C++. Geriatric Acrobatics Previous Next Two old women were talking about their sex lives. Ethel was upset because her sex life had really died, while Mildred said her sex life was great. Mildred counseled Ethel, "When my Sammy is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lie on the bed, and put both legs behind my head. When he sees me like that, he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night." Ethel said, "I'm going to try that tonight." While Ethel's husband Harold was in the bathroom that night, she took off all her clothes. She struggled to get both legs behind her head. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel fell backwards and couldn't move. Harold came out of the bathroom with a shocked look on his face. "For God's s...

Disease Previous Next A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other naked for the first time. The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet. He explains, "I had tolio as a child." The wife asks if he means polio. He says, "No, it only affects the toes." He removes his pants and reveals deformed knees. He admits, "I had kneesles, too." Finally, he pulls off his boxers. In shock, the woman gasps, "Oh no -- smallcox, too!" Drop In Previous Next One day, an 80-year-old man comes home and finds his 80-year-old wife doing a handstand, naked, against a wall. Shocked, he asks, "What are you doing?" She responds, "I know you can't get it up, but maybe you can drop in." Ending It All Previous Next A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through th...

Q: Why did the belt get locked up? A: He held up a pair of pants Blondes and Basketball Previous Next Q: Why did the blonde become a big basketball fan? A: Because every time they stopped the clock, she thought she stopped aging. Caveman Booty Call... Brow Previous Next If I said you had a pronounced sloping brow, would you hold it against me?

Q: Why did the woman cross the road? A: I don't know, but where'd she get shoes and what is she doing out of the kitchen?

Q: Why did the fat turkey cross the road? A: To get hit by my car.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. Why did she go to the other side? To go to the bar. Why did she go to the bar? To go to the toilet. Why did she go to the toilet? Because that's where all the cocks hang out.

Q: Why did the forgetful chicken cross the road? A: To get to the other side -- er, no -- to go shopping -- no, not that either -- damn it.

Q: Why did the blind blonde cross the road? A: She was following her seeing-eye chicken.

Q: Why did the calf cross the road? A: To get to the udder side.

Q: Why did the one-handed man cross the road? A: To get to the second hand shop.

Q: Why did the monkey cross the road? A: So he could get spanked.

Q: Why did the redneck cross the road? A: He wanted to sleep in the ditch on the other side.

If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your underwear, don't stop and think of what other words have 'under' in them, because that's probably the first sign of jungle madness. Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful. Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man." I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say. I bet for an Indian, shooting a old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as s...

Too bad there's not such a thing as a golden skunk, because you'd probably be proud to be sprayed by one. To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I can't remember, all rolled into one big 'thing'. This is truth, to me. You what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea. I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh. I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then af...

Martha says the interesting thing about fly fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Martha. Grow up. The old pool shooter has won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue. When he did all the other cues came crashing to the floor. "Sorry," he said with a smile. If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tell the reader we are going to have fun with this thing. Even though he was and enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again. If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough...

It you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming. When I was a kid, my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in awhile he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear. I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur. If you drop your keys into molten lava just let 'em go 'cause, man, they're gone. Contrary to popular belief, the most dange...

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "probably because of something you did." Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see. As we were driving, we saw a sign that said, "Watch for Rocks....

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea. Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done. If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away. If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that. If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because hey, free dummy. ...

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me." I bet the one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye. I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do. When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reas...

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality. To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad. Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. I remember that one fateful day when Coach too me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at pr...

hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, I hope they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas. It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man. I'd rather be rich than stupid. I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that read, "I helped skin Bob." I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in some crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!" The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave Man, I guess I am a coward. Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bit...

Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control. When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, the gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job." Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind." Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind. I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Su...

One thing that makes me believe in UFOs is, sometimes I lose stuff. It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be carried by one of the world's smallest animals: the real tiny dog. Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain - unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt. I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any other. I myself have been guilty of this. When I was a teenager, I stole a car and drove it out into the desert and set it on fire. When the police showed up, I just shrugged and said, "Hey, progress." Boy, did I have a lot to learn. I think the m...

Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy. If I had a nickname, I think I would want it to be "Prince of Weasels", because then I could go up and bite people and they would turn around and go, "What the-?" And then they would recognize me, and go, "Oh, it's you, the Prince of Weasels." The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn...

When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up high behind you to keep people from following too close. Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said "Lassie, go skate for help," she could do it. If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how to speak the natives' language, just say "Poppy-oomy." I bet it means something. I wonder if angels believe in ghosts. I wish scientists would come up with an ear of corn that was big and round, because then when you were eating it, it'd be fun to make chew marks in the shape of continents. I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves. Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point. I...

It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary Skeletons. He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess that's what I hated about him. If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you should have to assume sort of a walking shape so as not to frighten the dogs. The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh? I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they'll know this is someon...

My uncle's an airline pilot ... kinda makes it difficult to hold the bottle though... When my Dad came home last night, my mom fainted. Don't tell anyone I said but we're live on national TV. I broke a leg one time ... spilt coffee all over. I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident. Driving down the street with a herd of deer chasing me. Those were the days. That's a good thing to say to the police the next time they stop you. "License and registration, please." "Hermits have no peer pressure." "License and registration, please." "Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories." "License and registration, please." "There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. Wouldn't you" say,...

I'm in Champaign, I listen to the great music on Rock 107, and when out of town ... they mail it to me. Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday." "I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils" I want to start a car repair shop. I have already got the air for the tires. My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head... I hope it's not hereditary. When I was 10, my pa told me never to talk to strangers ... we haven't spoken since. A wino asked me for change... I gave him my shirt. I don't like dogs ... keep getting mustard on my catching glove. My mom called me last night ... I'm over it now. I was thinking of calling her back ... there it passed...

The museum boasted owning the original version of Beethoven's unfinished basement. What are imitation rhinestones? If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? Let's say you stuff a cat's tail up his ass until it peeks out of his mouth, and you give the tip of its tail a sound yank. Would the cat turn inside out? I recently changed my name to Resident Occupant. The local post office would like to speak with me but they're not sure where I live. Last week they used a barge to deliver my mail. But I don't think I'm getting it all. So if you happen to see any of it... I'm getting a tattoo. It's going to be all over my whole body--a tattoo of myself. Only taller. I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was "woman". I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to look at it. My neighbors don't like it when I talk to my plants ......

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts. Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird. I bought a portable cable TV. Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper. I liked "Slaughterhouse 5", but I can't find the first four anywhere. A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets. All they found was a pile of dust. I took a physics course that was so hard I couldn't find the classroom. Despite decades of market research, markets proliferate and there's no cure in sight. I washed my edible underwear and now they're gone.

You can always get a job in international affairs because 90% of everything happens in a foreign country. I called the Census Bureau to see why they hadn't sent me a form, and they said that I was too nondescript to influence the demographics one way or another. She had a face lift, tummy lift, and buttock lift, and now she's two feet off the ground. Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough. I listen to the police band on my CB radio. Once I dialed 911 and dedicated a crime to my girlfriend. Eventually, the water hazard will be filled with golfballs. It will still be a hazard, though, because you're only allowed to hit your own ball. The original Mickey Mouse cartoon was in Mouse, with English subtitles. I daydreamed that I was falling and, just before I hit the ground, I fell asleep. Which of the Himalayas is the shortest?

Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex." Never found her, but when I got home my place was robbed. I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect. Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie? It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly. The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging plant. At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can. The doctor says he has to amputate all of me. For my sister's 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram. As of 1992, they'll be called European Economic Community fries.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. I went to a fancy French restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?" Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle. I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle. I got a calculator and now I can't add without it. I got a spellchecker and I can't write without it anymore. I got a blowdryer and now my hair won't dry on its own. Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time. Use enough to get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D. I heard that in relativity theory space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings. Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one in the leather jacket." She said, "I'll be the one drinking sake." Turned out i...

Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill. Is "tired old cliche" one? if you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les. Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?" Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business. In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence. I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare. I Xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine. I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done. Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough. I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum. I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York. A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will." I had my coathangers spayed. I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

I saw a want ad. Light housekeeping. They said, "Here, change this bulb". I said, "I'll need some friends". I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open. I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open. I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale." You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time. You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time. I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick." There aren't enough days in the weekend. My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have...

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg. I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests. If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club? When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street. If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare? If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? Smoking cures weight problems... Eventually... I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor. I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs. The sky is falling. The sun is rising. The sky is falling... No, I'm tipping over backwards. The sky already fell. Now what? The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded. I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise. If you take a oriental and turn him around so he faces west, does he become disoriented? I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus. How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

Even snakes are afraid of snakes. I can't stop thinking like this. This isn't all true. You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time. I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet. Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors. Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?" My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "Yes". I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer. It was made of grass. My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year. I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger. I had amnesia once or twice. I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar. I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back. I got a chain letter by FAX. It's very simple. You just FAX a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

All the plants in my house are dead--I shot them last night. I was torturing them by watering them with ice cubes. I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today." I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job." I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded." Last time I went camping, I accidentally borrowed a circus tent. I didn't know until I got there and set it up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake. There was a forest nearby, but it wasn't a regular forest. It was a forest made out of paneling. It was a long, th...

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose. I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room. I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious! All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... With a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store." While I was gone, somebody rearranged all the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in *exactly* the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?" In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out." Doing a little work around the house. I put fake br...

had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... The study of milkmen. Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. I sold a #3 for 28 bucks. I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: "Lost--$50. If found, just keep it." I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else's property. The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work. The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows. Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false teeth. With braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... You can't hear him talk. When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with...

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "Help Wanted." There was another sign below it that said "Self Service." So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit. In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller. I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads. This is my impression of a bowling ball... [Drags the mike along the floor, then lifts it...] Gutter... I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game *he* was watching was better...

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree. I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back... Boy, were they mad! The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney... I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit. It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child. I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses. Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug. I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother go...

f the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen! What do batteries run on? Are there any questions? I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I came back. I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it. You know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back and it starts to snow. I bought one, except this has a snow plow that does it in rows. [Later] I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it... Just checking. I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny. My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to...

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. How young can you die of old age? If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? I used to be a narrator for bad mimes. On the other hand... You have different fingers. I can levitate birds. No one cares. Women... Can't live with 'em... Can't shoot 'em. If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going through a green light. We pleaded "maybe". I asked the judge if he knew what time it is, he did, and I said, "No further questions." I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I said, "Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?" When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... When I came back the entire area was missing. I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger. One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down. When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one way round...

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out." Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving... Every half mile... We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was. I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired. I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I like to say, "Sooo, how far did you THINK you were going anyway?", or "Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it." I decided to leave and go to California, so I packed up my Salvador Dali print of two blindfolded dental hygienists trying to make a circle on an Etch-a-Sketch, and I headed for the highway and began hitching. Within three minutes I got picked up by one of those huge trailer trucks carrying 20 brand new cars. I climbed up th...

For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... No place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running... [Slow glance upward.] I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I've been arrested three times for practicing. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds *amazing*. I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. I had to stop driving my car for a while... The tires got dizzy. My neighbor has a circular driveway... He can't get out. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near th...

I took a baby shower. I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic. I washed mud, off of mud. Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick. I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write right on the bill, "I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month." My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them. I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there. The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and y...

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in? I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper. The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays "Helter Skelter." I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds. I lost a button hole today. Where am I gonna find another one? I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age. I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot. I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. Factorials were someone's attempt to make math *look* exciting.

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building... I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the other and said, "See, that's how it's done." I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel. I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I pushed "1" and he just stood there... I said, "Hi, where you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... We were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up and said, "Hello?"... The other side said, "Is this Steven Wr...

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... Eventually. When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse. When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge. I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it. My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old. My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band." When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't...

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. [Referring to a glass of water] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody! They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... [Picks up his glass of water from the stool...] I like to live on the edge... I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it. I was born by Cesarean section... But not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window. When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading it. It said, "Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot." I was upset because on my second birthday, I went from being one to being two, and my age doubled in a year. I figured at this rate, by the time I'm six, I'll be ninety. When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it ...

So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date. I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep." I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night. My girlfriend's so intense... She woke me up the other night and asked, "If you could tell exactly when and how you were going to die, would you want to know?" ...