Free 10000 Jokes

Two hedgehogs are in the middle of the road by a zebra crossing. One says, "Don't cross here!" The other one says, "Why not?" The first one says, "Look what happened to this zebra!"

It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is  that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them  tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the  other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'"  Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?"  "Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"

20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve  Jobs.  Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs.

Maria went home happy, telling her mother  about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree . Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted  to see your panties!" Maria replied, "See Mom , I was smart, I took them off!"

At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that  most adults are hiding at least one dark secret,  so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I  know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to  go home and try it out. Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he  tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mothe r  quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't  tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets  him with, "I know the whole truth." The father  promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't  say a word to your mother."  Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the  next day when he sees the mailman at his front  door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the  whole truth." The mailman immediately drops  the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come  give your Daddy a great big hug!"

Maria went home happy, telling her mother  about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree . Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted  to see your panties!" Maria replied, "See Mom , I was smart, I took them off!"

At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that  most adults are hiding at least one dark secret,  so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, " I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides  to go home and try it out. Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he  tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother  quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell  your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his  father to get home from work, and greets him  with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly  hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to  your mother."  Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next  day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."  The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his  arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great  big hug!"

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that  her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it  into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later , she’s back at the doctor, where she says, " Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes  like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the  floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong!  The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."  "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

Q: What did the duck say when he bought lipstick? A: "Put it on my bill."

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources  Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts  Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you  looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000  a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer  inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five week s vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental,  company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary,  and a company car leased every two years, say, a red  Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says,  "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies,  "Yeah, but you started it."

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost  in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it . A genie popped out and granted them each one  wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof!  She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

Roses are red.  Your blood is too.  You look like a monkey  And belong in a zoo.  Do not worry,  I'll be there too.  Not in the cage,  But laughing at you.

On the roof of a very tall building are four men;  one is asian, one is mexican, one is black, and the last one is white. The asian walks to the  ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and  jumps off the roof. Next, the mexican walks  to the ledge and also says, "This is for all my  people" and then he jumps off the roof. Next  is the black guy's turn. The black guy walks to  the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and then throws the white guy off the roof.

Do not be racist; be like Mario. He's an Italian  plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like  a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!

Mr. Brown was working in his garden when on the other side of the fence, he heard his neighbor  crying. Mr. Brown popped his head over the  fence and asked, "What's the matter Mary? What has upset you?" The blonde neighbor replied, "My dog has died and I'm going to bury it here." Mr. Brown said, "You only have  one dog, so why have you dug three holes?" She answered, "The first two were too small."

A teacher wanted to teach her students about  self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up  and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think  anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why  did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want  to leave you standing up by yourself.”

Girlfriend: "Am I pretty or ugly?"  Boyfriend: "You're both."  Girlfriend: "What do you mean?"  Boyfriend: "You're pretty ugly."

A woman is at a grocery store. She goes to the  clerk to purchase her groceries. The clerk look s at her items and sees a carton of eggs, a gallon  of milk, and a head of lettuce. He says to the woman, "You must be single." The woman was  surprised & replies, "Yes, how did you know?" The clerk answers, "Because you're ugly."

After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."

A woman goes to a doctor named Dr. Wong. "Doctor, I can't get a date, no one will go out with me." In a very thick Asian accent, Dr. Wong says, "Take off clothes and get on all  four hands and knees." She does. "Now crawl to wall." She does so and looks back at him. "I know what wrong." “What is it Doctor! What do I have?" "You have Ed Zachary disease." "Ed Zachary disease? What is that?!" "You face look Ed Zachary like you ass!"

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

A boy says to a girl, "So, sex at my place?"  "Yeah!" "Okay, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother, and he thinks we 're making sandwiches, so we have to have  a code. Cheese means faster and tomato means harder, okay?" Later on the girl is yelling, "Cheese cheese, tomato tomato!" The younger brother says, "Stop making  sandwiches! You're getting mayo all over my bed!"

A farmer buys a young rooster. As soon as he brings the bird to the farm, it rushes & fucks all 150 hens. The farmer is impressed  thinking about all the eggs the hens would  hatch. At lunch, the rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer gets a bit worried  now. The next day, he finds the rooster fucking the ducks, geese, & a parrot too which is now scaring him. Later that day, he finds the rooster lying pale, half-dead with vultures circling over its head. The farmer says, "You horny bastard, you deserve this." The rooster opens one eye, points up, & whispers, "Shh! Don't  shout, let them land!"

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile,  Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, salty." Mom fainted.

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"  Husband: "You have perfect eyesight.

there is an overweight guy who is watching TV.  A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight  loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking  what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an  incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door  in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign  about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me,  you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she  takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is  unable. This continues for a week, at the end  of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After  this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds  in a week. The next morning an even more  beautiful woman is standing at the door, in  similar conditions. The same happens  with her as the first woman, except he almost  her. This continues for a week, at the end of which  he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited  about this success, he decides to do the master...

My wife was complaining the other day saying that  I never take her anywhere expensive anymore. So  I said, "Come on, get in the car. We’re going to the  gas station."

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was  my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy  birthday. My parents forgot and so did my  kids. I went to work and even my colleagues  didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered  my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday , boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for  lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment.  We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I  go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I  said. She came out 5 minutes later with a  birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids,  my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!! " while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.

An American Indian boy goes to his mother one  day with a puzzled look on his face. “Mom, why  is my big brother named Mighty Storm?” “Because  he was conceived during a mighty storm.” “Why is  her sister named Cornflower?” “Well, your father  and I were in a cornfield when we made her."  "And why is my other sister called Moonchild?”  "We were watching the moon landing while she  was conceived. Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you  so curious?

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and  the woman listens. In the second year, the woman  speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they  both speak and the neighbors listen.

Wife: "How would you describe me?"  Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."  Wife: "What does that mean?"  Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful,  elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."  Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"  Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your  dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why  are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds,  "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The  pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his  wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife  responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to  her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner  table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds , "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook fo r  dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they  won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but  will give them a clue and let them guess. The  dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me  ." The little girl screamed to her brother,  "Don't eat it. Its an asshole!

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that  Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him,  "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and  you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says,  "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says,  "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher  says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking."  Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking  her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and  one is biting her ice cream, which one is married ?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice  cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the  wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!

Q: Why are most hurricanes named after  women?  A: Because when they come they are  wet and wild and when they leave they  take your house and your car.

One day a man and woman were in their  bedroom making love. All of a sudden a  bumble bee entered the bedroom window . As the lady parted her legs, the bee entered  her vagina. The woman started screaming, " Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina! " The husband immediately took her to the  local doctor and explained the situation. The  doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm , tricky situation. But I have a solution to the  problem if young sir would permit." The  husband being very concerned agreed t hat  the doctor could use whatever method to get  the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said  "Okay, what I'm going to do is rub some honey  over the tip of my penis and insert it into your  wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer  to the tip of my penis, I shall withdraw it and the  bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your  wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his  appr...

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the  father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there ?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a  woman goes through three phases. In her 20s,  a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears,  still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like  onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You  see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated  his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom , how many different kinds of willies are there?”  The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man  goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his  willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his  30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable.  After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A  Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead  from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

A husband and wife are moving out of their house  and are starting to box everything up. The husband  finds a box under the bed, pulls it out, and looks  inside, where he finds two eggs and about $8,000.  He approaches the wife and asks, "What are the  eggs for?" She replies, "Every time I cheat on you , I put an egg in the box." He says, "That's alright,  you've only cheated on me twice. What's the money  for?" The wife replies, "Every time I get a dozen, I  sell them!"

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for  her family when her daughter walks in.  “Mother, where do babies come from?”  The mother thinks for a few seconds and  says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in  love and get married. One night they go  into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and  have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the  mother continues, “That means the daddy  puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s  how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems  to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other  night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you  get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

A child asked his father, "How were people born? " So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies , then their babies became adults and made  babies, and so on." The child then went to his  mother, asked her the same question and she  told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved  to become like we are now." The child ran back  to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father  replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side  of the family.

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at  school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying,  "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy,  'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy  leaves for school today!'"

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?" Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!"

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new  password for their computer. The husband  puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the  ground laughing because on the screen it  says, "Error. Not long enough."