Joke List 22

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for
dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every
request to his wife by endearing terms,
calling her Honey, My Love, Darling,
Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. Bernie looked
at Morris and remarked, "That's really nice
, that after all these years that you have
been married, you keep calling your wife
those pet names." Morris hung his head
 and whispered, "To tell you the truth, I
forgot her name three years ago!"

A man came home from work, sat down in
 his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and
said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer
before it starts" She looked a little puzzled,
 but brought him a beer. When he finished
it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer.
It's gonna start." This time she looked a little
 angry, but brought him a beer. When it was
 gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it
 starts." "That's it!" She blows her top, "You
bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass
down, don't even say hello to me and then
expect me to run around like your slave. Don't
 you realize that I cook and clean and wash and
 iron all day long?" The husband sighed.
"Oh shit, it started!”

Q: Why didn't the man report his stolen
 credit card?
A: The thief was spending less then his wife.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.

A man walks into a bar and orders a shot,
then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders
another one. After he finishes, he looks into
his pocket again and orders another shot.
The bartender is curious and asks the man
 why he looks into his pocket before ordering
 each shot. The man replies, “I have a picture
 of my wife in my pocket, and when she starts
to look good, I go home.”